Body for Babies

Today is the second day in a row I've gone to the gym and exercised. Why, you may ask, would I find that notable enough to post on my blog. Well....because that two more days than I have managed to do in a very very long time. Oh I've had my gym membership for a few years, and I've had my 2 week cycles where I find some spark of motivation and actually use it, but then I fall off the band wagon. I know I'm in good company there. Like most people, I'm overweight, out of shape and not very interested in doing something about that. But unlike most people, I really feel as though my weight issues are a contributing factor for my inability to get pregnant. I have known right along that obesity creates problems with ovulation and pregnancy, so after our first failed IUI, I asked the nurse at our fertility clinic if my weight was likely the reason why it didn't work. She asked how much I weigh. Now I'm really trying to be open and honest about things on this blog (event hough I see I now have a follower, which makes me feel both excited and vaulnerable) but I'm not quite to the point where I'm willing to publish my actual weight. However, I will say that I'm a size 18W and I'm 5'10"....not exactly a delicate flower. So anyway, this nurse asked my weight and said "it certainly wouldn't hurt to get healthier and lose some weight, but I really don't think that's big enough to be the issue at hand here". This was about 15 pounds ago. That's right, I've packed on more weight, even though I know it will only further hinder my chances of having a child. Why would I do such a thing? No seriously, Why?? The only thing I can think of is that I'm so deeply afraid there's something major wrong with me internally that they haven't found yet, and losing the weight will confirm my fear. Maybe I'm afraid that if I get all fit and closer to the ideal size that I won't have an excuse anymore and I'll have to admit that I'm broken. Isn't that screwed up? And worse yet, I know it's screwed up and I still have let it control me all this time. How is being fat any better than being broken?? I don't know, but the more depressed I got about the roadblocks to parenthood, the more I sat on my fat ass, the more I turned to food for comfort, and the more depressed I got continuing the evil circle. But, the theme of this year is to change the things I have the power to change in my life and get me out of this self-loathing stage. This healthy lifestyle stuff is one of the first things I have the ability to change, so I'm trying. Two days are better than none. I have just over one month before I go in for my laproscopic exam. We'll see how much weight I can lose in a month.