Catching Up

Time for a major catch-up session, don't you think? It's been a while since my last post.

First, the Inauguration. Well...it sucked. Only because we didn't get in. If our tickets had gotten us through the gate as we assumed they would, it would have been amazing. I've been stewing about it for almost 2 weeks now, so I won't go on and on again here in the blog, but there are as many as 6000 other people who had the same result. The Inaugural Committee is supposedly conducting a "special investigation" as to why ticket holders didn't get through the gates. The rest of our trip to D.C. wasn't that great either. We got stuck in a snow bank for 4 hours trying to get out of town...had to call AAA. We did a whole lot of walking around the city, which is normally really cool, but it was so overrun with people for the inauguration you couldn't really appreciate things as much. Generally though, I will say that Washington D.C. is an awesome city when the focus isn't all on one thing for one man. It's a great place to re-visit as an adult to really appreciate the meaning of things. We went to the Spy Museum this time, which I highly recommend.

I will say this about the total "buzz" surrounding Obama's Inauguration. The crowd was unbelievable. Seriously, if I hadn't seen the rediculous number of people with my own eyes, I would never have known....pictures do NOT do it justice. People were so happy and friendly. Perfect strangers calling out to each other "Happy Inauguration Day!" like they were saying "Merry Christmas" or something. It was hard not to get caught up in the excitement, but it did give me pause. Here are my 2 worries.....with so much focus and so much excitement surrounding this president, it's too much for one man to live up to. People were acting like Barack Obama can part the Patomac River and Instantly cure cancer. He is still just a man and is falable. Also, what happens when he has to make some unpopular decisions. If he does his job well, he will not be able to please everyone all the time. What happens then? Will the mob of revelers become an angry mob against him? And lastly, after seeing how excited and involved all those people were, I'm sad to say to think that the level of political enthusiasm is very temporary. It became "cool" to be an Obama supporter because he's interesting, different and let's face it, he's exciting. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he can keep everyone happy through a wonderful Presidency. At most, he can only be there for 8 years, then we will have to choose somebody new. What happens if in 2016 the two candidates we have to choose from are back to being your average wealthy, old, white guys? Will all those people even bother to vote? Probably many will not. That's sad....It's the same reason I hate band-wagon fans in sports.

Anyway, there's my 2 cents on the new President, plus a few more pennies for good measure. I shall not let it go so long between entries in the future.

Obama Bound

I won't be posting for a few days because my husband and I are traveling to Washington D.C. for the Presidential Inauguration Ceremony. I was lucky enough to win tickets through our local Congressman's lottery system. We will be staying with my brother-in-law there for about a week. Don't know why I bothered to warn my faithful readers that I'll be MIA.....since there aren't any....but seemed like the appropriate thing to do. While I'm there, I'll be sure to ask the new President to take a look at the piss-poor insurance coverage most companies have for fertility issues.

On Pins and Needles

Had my acupuncture experience today. It was about what I expected, both the procedure and the guy who did it. He was kind of hippy, dippy, trippy but very nice and I think he knows his stuff. It wasn't really painful, just very mild discomfort at first. Had one needle between the eyes, one in each ear, one on the underside of each wrist, one in the middle of my lower belly and two on the shin area of each leg. Not sure what the significance of the locations is, but the acupuncturist told me the method is meant to relieve stress by getting the blood flowing and to release "energy"...whatever that means. I will say it is totally relaxing. I felt very sleepy afterward. He said most clients fall asleep. You are left alone in a dark room with needles stuck out of your body for about half an hour. Hard to say if it is the procedure itself or just being quiet and still for a half hour that makes you sleepy. Either way, today's procedure was free so I'll go ahead and give it at least one more try as a paying customer. He said today it was just an introduction to acupuncture and the next time when I have an actual treatment he would put a lot more "points" in me. I'm kind of looking forward to it actually. I'm getting more and more curious about if it will work all the time.

My first massage

My last post reminded me of my first massage. It's kind of a funny story so I thought I'd share.

As you might have guessed, I'm not a touchy-feely person. I do not like hugs from people I'm not very very close with (in other words, if you're not my mom, my best friend or my husband, hands off!) I spend 30 years of my life purposely not getting a massage cuz I knew I'd be weirded out by a stranger touching me. Well, last year for my 30th birthday, my in-laws got me a gift certificate for services at the salon my mother-in-law frequents. I appreciated the thought (how were they do know I didn't want a massage?...she gets them all the time), but I was thinking I'd never use it. I don't have acrylic nails, I am very faithful to my own hair dresser at a different salon and I wasn't about to use it for hair services, and I wasn't interested in a massage. But, a few weeds later I started getting really bad headaches from my neck/shoulder area due to lots of computer work at my old job. I kept telling my husband I needed to see a chiropractor, but decided I should get over my phobia and try a massage first since I had a free one coming. The day I scheduled it I felt like an idiot, because people just assume an adult woman has had one before. I tried to pretend like I was all worldly and sophisticated. I explained to the lady that I had a gift certificate and that I needed to try to get rid of neck/shoulder tension and she suggested a Sweedish deep tissue treatment and said I had enough for one hour. So,that's what was scheduled.

Now, I don't know what I was thinking, but never thought for a second that the massage would be anywhere but my back. That's all I had ever seen on TV. It makes sense now that it would be all over.....what else is the poor girl going to do for a whole hour?! But I did not properly prepare...it was the end of February and really really cold, my husband had been working nights and I hadmy period....all of which were contributing factors for the weeds of stubble of leg hair I had going on. I never even thought for a second a perfect stranger would be rubbing up on my bare legs. Keep in mind that at this point, I'm already tense because I don't know what to expect from this experience, she has already gone to down on the very painful knots in my shoulders, and because of her pushing down so hard, not only is my back hurting but my nipple is all chafed from rubbing up and down on the cheap sheet under me. When she moved down to lower half, and I could tell she was about to move the sheet to expose my leg, I panicked and lifted my head and said "what are you doing?!" She very calmly said "I'm just going to massage your leg, but I promise you I will not go too high or touch anything inappropriate. I can even stay below the knee if you want". Good God, the poor girl must think I've been sexually abused or something!? At that point I figured I must fess up so she didn't call the cops on my husband or something. I had to say very sheepishly..."no I, uh, I haven't shaved in a few days" when in truth it had been about 3 weeks. Of course she was professional and said not to worry, she had seen worse, but I'm sure she hadn't.

I left that place feeling so stiff and sore it was rediculous. When my husband asked me how it went and I told him the story he said "you're the only person I know who can go in for stress relief and come out more stressed". He must have told his mom, because I noticed that this year she gave me a gift certificate for my own salon.

Stab me with needles!

The fertility clinic we go to partners with a "wellness clinic" for non-traditional treatments like accupuncture, massage, and all those touchy-feely therapies I'm uncomfortable with. They're all very new age...aka: weird. But, like I've said many times in this blog, I'm at the point where I'm willing to try new strategies. They have encouraged me many times to seek treatment at the wellness clinic, but a.) I didn't want to spend money on it and b.) we live about an hour and 15 min. drive, so it's not like I can schedule a massage on my lunch hour or something. That was my excuse for a long time. However, the last time we went there, when the nurse practitioner witnessed my complete mental breakdown, she gave me a card for one free treatment and told me the accupuncture guy held office hours once a week in Watertown (that's where I live). So now both of my excuses held no weight, and I really had to try it. I had an accupuncture appointment scheduled for last week, but the weather was really really bad and they called to cancel. Probably couldn't make it up here from Syracuse. So, tomorrow should be the moment of truth. My first venture into "alternative medicine". I know nothing about accupuncture except that it consists of needles being stuck in your skin. I'm not at all afraid of needles, so I should be fine with it, but I'm still a little nervous. What do I wear? Am I gonna have to get naked? How long do I sit there with needles sticking out of me. These are all questions I'm sure I could find answers to if I just call the clinic and ask, but I'm sure I won't. I'll just sit here and stew about it. I'll wear a tank top under a sweater or something so that hopefully I can keep that on, and I'll be sure to shave just in case it matters. Tomorrow I'll let you all know how it went (don't know if there is a "you all" but, whatever)

Body for Babies

Today is the second day in a row I've gone to the gym and exercised. Why, you may ask, would I find that notable enough to post on my blog. Well....because that two more days than I have managed to do in a very very long time. Oh I've had my gym membership for a few years, and I've had my 2 week cycles where I find some spark of motivation and actually use it, but then I fall off the band wagon. I know I'm in good company there. Like most people, I'm overweight, out of shape and not very interested in doing something about that. But unlike most people, I really feel as though my weight issues are a contributing factor for my inability to get pregnant. I have known right along that obesity creates problems with ovulation and pregnancy, so after our first failed IUI, I asked the nurse at our fertility clinic if my weight was likely the reason why it didn't work. She asked how much I weigh. Now I'm really trying to be open and honest about things on this blog (event hough I see I now have a follower, which makes me feel both excited and vaulnerable) but I'm not quite to the point where I'm willing to publish my actual weight. However, I will say that I'm a size 18W and I'm 5'10"....not exactly a delicate flower. So anyway, this nurse asked my weight and said "it certainly wouldn't hurt to get healthier and lose some weight, but I really don't think that's big enough to be the issue at hand here". This was about 15 pounds ago. That's right, I've packed on more weight, even though I know it will only further hinder my chances of having a child. Why would I do such a thing? No seriously, Why?? The only thing I can think of is that I'm so deeply afraid there's something major wrong with me internally that they haven't found yet, and losing the weight will confirm my fear. Maybe I'm afraid that if I get all fit and closer to the ideal size that I won't have an excuse anymore and I'll have to admit that I'm broken. Isn't that screwed up? And worse yet, I know it's screwed up and I still have let it control me all this time. How is being fat any better than being broken?? I don't know, but the more depressed I got about the roadblocks to parenthood, the more I sat on my fat ass, the more I turned to food for comfort, and the more depressed I got continuing the evil circle. But, the theme of this year is to change the things I have the power to change in my life and get me out of this self-loathing stage. This healthy lifestyle stuff is one of the first things I have the ability to change, so I'm trying. Two days are better than none. I have just over one month before I go in for my laproscopic exam. We'll see how much weight I can lose in a month.

One thing I've learned

One thing I have learned while attending the Hard Knox School of Infertility is to never ever say to someone "So, when are you going to have kids?" Even if a married couple seems like they've been wed for the appropriate period of time, they seem perfectly healthy, committed and family oriented, it's never OK to bring it up, because maybe they want nothing in the world more than to have children and can't. I used to have to leave the room to cry secretly in the bathroom every time my husband's family members brought it up. They thought they were being funny, talking about the pitter patter of little feet while they smiled and winked and nudged either he or I. It wasn't funny. Just one of the many hard lessons we've had in the past year.

There now...that wasn't so bad was it?

The birthday has come and gone for another year and I must admit, it wasn't that bad. Dinner with my family was a bit stressful, but once I got back home with my brother, sister-in-law, husband and close friends things were better. We played a lot of Guitar Hero, and I drank a lot of beer. I think the Guitar Hero did more to boost my mood than the beer. Shouldn't have had that much, but I was in a mood. Thank goodness I did not pay for it this morning. I'm getting too old for late night drinking and rocking out. The only thing I do regret is not having any candles to blow out. I don't place a whole lot of stock in the whole "birthday wish" thing, but hell, at this point I'm willing to try anything and everything to get pregnant. God willing, the "after hours party" with my fabulous husband last night will do the job even without the candles.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

I'm 31 today and that totally sucks. The wrinkles, the gray hair, the gravity enhanced butt sag....none of it matters in the least to me, but the drying up ovaries do mean a lot. Hell, mine apparently weren't that good to begin with! Last year at this time, I got through my 30th with sanity by convincing myself it would be the last birthday I'd go though childless, or at least pregnant. By that time we had started talking about fertility treatments, when I NEVER imagined wouldn't work right away. So, needless to say I never imagined I'd be here today.

But, there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. Seriously...nothing. Not a damn thing I can do today to improve my situation so I may as well take advantage of what I have, which is friends and family willing to hang out for my birthday. I had a major breakdown last night, crying on my husband's shoulder. It may have been a day premature, but at least it put things back into perspective for me today. Maybe I really am turning over a new leaf! I'm planning on having dinner with family and then having friends over for a Wii party. Rockin' always makes me feel better....or maybe it's the beer that goes along with it. No matter...we'll have both tonight.

T-minus one day

So tomorrow is my 31st birthday and I'm torn between being depressed about it, which is my gut reaction, and trying to put on a happy face for the sake of my family and friends because I know that's the logical thing to do. Everybody knows I'm kind of down about my birthday every year, so those close to me (my husband and my mom) are doing their best to plan something that will make it a nice day without being too pushy. Little things, like my husband asked for the day off from work just in case I wanted to do something, and my mom offered up a shopping trip. I give them credit for keeping their distance on the topic, but every time I say something like "I just want to ignore it" I know I'm disappointing them and I know they think I'm being overly dramatic. People can't seem to understand that it's not that I care about the number. I really could care less that I'm turning 31....it could be 41 and still my reaction would be the same because it marks another year without a child. Another milestone has passed me by and I'm no closer to my goal. So, it remains to be seen what the plan will end up being for tomorrow. We'll see if my gut of my head wins.

New Year, New Leaf

Happy New Year to one and all! I'm turning over a new leaf this year. I'm going to talk openly and honestly about everything concerning my infertility. From the very start of our treatment at the Fertility Center, the staff all said that one of the biggest keys to getting through fertility is to talk to somebody. They encourage joining support groups, seeing counselors, doing yoga and accupuncture and massage...all that touchy feely new age stuff. I have to admit I'm a skeptic. I can't really see how emotional improvements can lead phisiological improvements...especially internal ones like, for instance ovulation. But so far my skepticism hasn't gotten me anywhere except to Depression Alley in Bittersville, so it's worth a shot. I tried to join an online support group for infertility and couldn't stand the sicky sweetness of all the contributors there. They sounded like a bunch of sappy losers (sorry Daily Support) and by joing them I was admiting that I, too, am a sappy loser. I may be the loser part, but I don't have to be the sappy part. This blog may be the balance I need to open up without getting an "Awwww...and how does that make you feel?" in response. I'll friggin' tell you how I feel...and I'll be telling you all year long. Got some big stuff to get off my chest and got some big events coming up in the world of baby making, so stay tuned.

The quest beings...err...continues!

In 2009, I'm makin' babies. That's it, I'm determined, it will happen, and this blog will document the journey. I will be sharing each and every step along the way as well as spew all the thoughts and observations I have made up until now concerning fertility treatments. However, since this is my first entry, I figure I should give a background of what you've missed up until now: I was born January 1978. It was a cold day......just kidding. Here's the real scoop:
October 2006- married the best guy on Earth
July 2007- began the"we're not trying, but we're not NOT trying" approach to a family
October 2007 (1 year anniversary)- began trying in earnest by tracking ovulation at home and using...shall we say "positions" (I'm blushing) ....suggested by my local OBGYN to perhaps better accommodate my retroverted (aka: tipped) uterus.
April 2008- referred to a fertility clinic in Syracuse for tests. My husband scored big points for sperm count with extra credit for good motility. No obvious problems with me. Began taking Chlomid to stimulate ovaries.
Only stimulated 3 viable eggs in only one ovary...to our dismay, it was suggested we resort to IUI (intra uterine insemination) instead of love making to best capitalize on the minimal opportunity. Didn't work.
May 2008- began injectable fertility drugs (stabbing myself in the belly twice a day). Prescribed dosage was way too high...almost landed in the hospital with over stimulated ovaries (very painful) and hormones off the charts. Tried IUI anyway, didn't work.
June 2008- cysts discovered in ovaries due to overstimulation the previous cycle. Told we must wait at least another month for them to clear out before trying again.
July 2008- cysts have cleared, proceeded with 2nd round of injectables and IUI, didn't work.
August 2008- lost cycle due to business trip in the middle of "go time"
September 2008- revisit the "relax and it will happen" approach....even though relaxing is impossible when you want a baby so freakin' bad! (more on this pet peeve in future posts)
November 2008- On the verge of mental breakdown, decide to go back to fertility treatments. Told I should undergo a laproscopic and hysteroscopic exam just to take a closer look at what might be preventing fertilization. Can't get me in until February. Told by the nurse practitioner to "just enjoy the holidays" ( yeah right...more on this in future posts, too) and talk to somebody to help with my emotional stress.
January 2009- Present time, I'm finally "talking to somebody"...does it matter that my somebody is an inanimate object??? I think it still counts if there is a possibility of an actual human being reading it.