Finally...an answer!

I made it through my surgeries. Not nearly as bad as I had thought. The worst part was having the IV put in because the nurses couldn't find a good spot (I have petite veins...the ONLY part of my body ever described as petite!) They had to stick me in 3 different spots, one spot multiple times, before they got it going. Now here's the big news...the BEST part is that they actually found something! I never thought I'd be happy about having endometriosis, but it's better to have some sort of concrete reason why we haven't been getting pregnant. They were able to "take care of it" right on the spot. They said it was just a small amount, but still...I'm hanging my hopes on that. I'm confident that now we'll be OK.

As for the rest of the experience...waking up from the actual procedure was scary, but they brought my husband into the room immediately, so he was the first person I saw. That kept me from freaking out. The anxious waiting was hard because they had an emergency surgery early that morning plus had somebody scheduled before me. I was scheduled at 9:30 and didn't actually get into the operating room until nearly 2:00. It might have even been after that. All I know is we waited forever with nerves mounting, and I know it was 4:00 when I came out of my stupor in the operating room.

Today, I feel extremely bloated...like a constant menstrual cramp. I have 3 incisions in my belly...one in the actual belly button and one to each side where I assume my ovaries are. Those are the from the laproscopic exam. Then, from the hysteroscopy, I think the only side effect I'm having from that is that my period is gone....not a bad deal there! When I went in, I was just starting my period. Very light bleeding. I had a lot of blood when I first went to the bathroom after the surgery, but since I have nad none. I wonder if when they eliminated the endometriosis, they ended up clearing my uterus of all the other yuck too, which would get me out of a period this month.

Now that I have an actual diagnosis, I feel somewhat more comfortable discussing the situation with my parents, my husband's family etc. I can't bring myself to actually pick up the phone because I don't want anybody to worry about me during the recovery. I've felt amazingly well. It's uncomfortable to get up and down from the couch/chair/bed, and I'm moving pretty slow, but it's more annoying than actually painful. I've been able to just take ibuprophen instead of the prescription meds this whole time which was one of the things I was worried about. All in all, maybe there is some merit to this positive thinking stuff after all!

Surgery Today

Today comes the moment of truth. My two surgical procedures to determine why we haven't been able to conceive. Why can't the tests for us ladies be as simple as the test for the men???! Anyway, my appointment is at 9:30 this a.m. and I'm very nervous. Up til now I was most nervous about the recovery...not so much the potential pain (since I figure that can't possibly be THAT bad...it's a tiny incision) but I am concerned about nausea and the breathing tube messing up my voice.

Another concern is trying to allow myself to just disappear from the radar for a few days to recover without letting on to anybody what happened. I am still resistant to tell anybody that I'm having surgery...none of our family knows a thing. I have 2 good friends who know, and that's it. So, while I don't want to outright lie to anybody, it'll be tough coming up with excuses why I can't do my normal stuff for a few days. Also, my friend is getting married this Saturday. She will be relying on me to start off the dancing and be the jovial fun one to get stuff moving (I always make a point to be the first on the dance floor at weddings just because every bride is afraid people won't have fun.) I hope I'll be able to put on a happy face and pretend I feel Ok by then. Who knows, maybe I really will be fine. I'm probably worrying about nothing.

Lastly, I will reveal my absolute biggest fear in this whole thing just so I can stop worrying about it. I'm afraid they won't find anything wrong. I need an explanation for all of this. I need something more concrete...something scientific...something better than some crappy abstract idea like "God says it's not time". My brain thinks logically and I need a REASON! I would rather they find something terrible that determines beyond a doubt that I cannot concenve than for them to not find anything at all. At least then we'd know to move on to adoption. Best case scenario: they find something fairly minor that they can fix right there on the spot and say "there, we got it...you're good to go". Now that I've gotten my biggest fear off my chest, I'm going to focus on that best case scenario all the way down the highway.

Multi-oscopy coming up

Just had my blood drawn in advance of a surgery I'm having done. My laproscopic and hysteroscopic exams are one week and one day from now. I got my paperwork in the mail yesterday and it freaked me out a bit. I didn't realize this was going to be quite such a big deal. They actually have to put me under and stick a breathing tube in and all. I had no idea. I am not looking forward to anestesia at all! The only time I have had any type was when I had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled at once several years ago. They put me under then too, and when I awoke I was very panicked, almost like a child. I was calling for my mom and stuff. It was embarrassing and scary. That was also when I had my first eperience with prescription pain killers. They gave me oxycontin then, which I took before I left the office and nauseated me. I like to think I have a high tolerence for pain, but one thing I cannot tolerate at all is nausea. I HATE the feeling that I'm going to throw up. I stopped taking the pain meds after 2 doses when I had my teeth pulled, and was fine with the pain. Then, one week before my wedding, I had a severe stomach bug which gave me the worst pain of my life to date. The E.R. gave me hydrocodone then, which I also took before I left the hospital and threw up in the parking lot before I made it to the car. So, I never even filled the prescription that time. This time they've given me a script for Percoset (did I spell that right?). Anyway, I have to fill the prescription and bring it with me to the clinic the morning of my surgeries. I spoke with the nurse today though and she said I don't have to take it. I can try just taking Motrin and see how that works out first. That has put my mind somewhat at ease about the pain part, but I am still freaked about the breathing tube. That makes is sound like a big deal!!! Will be worth everything if they can figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

Ultra Experience

I got to see an actual ultrasound today. My friend is half way through her second pregnancy (sadly, she lost her first baby due to childbirth complications). She has been having trouble with spotting, so she had an ultrasound just for peace of mind. Her husband couldn't go, so she asked me to stand-in. Truth be told, I think she was secretly a bit nervous they'd find something wrong. I was a little reluctant to go in for the ultrasound because I thought it would make me jealous and sad, but it was just kind of neat. It is pretty amazing how the technology has improved over the years so you can actually see the facial features. He wasn't in such a great position to get a good "head shot" but you can make out the legs and arms and all.