Today comes the moment of truth. My two surgical procedures to determine why we haven't been able to conceive. Why can't the tests for us ladies be as simple as the test for the men???! Anyway, my appointment is at 9:30 this a.m. and I'm very nervous. Up til now I was most nervous about the recovery...not so much the potential pain (since I figure that can't possibly be THAT bad...it's a tiny incision) but I am concerned about nausea and the breathing tube messing up my voice.
Another concern is trying to allow myself to just disappear from the radar for a few days to recover without letting on to anybody what happened. I am still resistant to tell anybody that I'm having surgery...none of our family knows a thing. I have 2 good friends who know, and that's it. So, while I don't want to outright lie to anybody, it'll be tough coming up with excuses why I can't do my normal stuff for a few days. Also, my friend is getting married this Saturday. She will be relying on me to start off the dancing and be the jovial fun one to get stuff moving (I always make a point to be the first on the dance floor at weddings just because every bride is afraid people won't have fun.) I hope I'll be able to put on a happy face and pretend I feel Ok by then. Who knows, maybe I really will be fine. I'm probably worrying about nothing.
Lastly, I will reveal my absolute biggest fear in this whole thing just so I can stop worrying about it. I'm afraid they won't find anything wrong. I need an explanation for all of this. I need something more concrete...something scientific...something better than some crappy abstract idea like "God says it's not time". My brain thinks logically and I need a REASON! I would rather they find something terrible that determines beyond a doubt that I cannot concenve than for them to not find anything at all. At least then we'd know to move on to adoption. Best case scenario: they find something fairly minor that they can fix right there on the spot and say "there, we got it...you're good to go". Now that I've gotten my biggest fear off my chest, I'm going to focus on that best case scenario all the way down the highway.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment